Tall tale, tall order

Deaf-mute detainee escapes
from Caloocan jail – Philippine Star

Some Caloocan jail guards must be blind.

*    *    *

Party-list group backs gay candidate
for Congress – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Sanlakas is supporting Ateneo professor Danton Remoto. He or she . . . or whatever . . . is running for Congress to represent the third district of Quezon City.

*    *    *

Gov't gives up bid to post
surplus by '09 – Philippine Daily Inquirer

However, the Arroyo government still appears to be on track to either maintain or exceed current levels of graft and corruption.

*    *    *

Pasig bans students from computer shops
during school hours – Philippine Daily Inquirer
 

That's after the City Council and Mayor Vicente Eusebio probably reached a consensus that gaming and porn do not quite fall under the 'research materials' category.

*    *    *

Solon slams gov’t diversion of local
intel funds for election campaign – Daily Tribune

Not very smart on the part of DILG Sec Ronnie Puno . . . who could end up being this election year's version of Jocjoc Bolante.

*    *    *

Trillanes: Gloria bent on cheating in May – Malaya

So, what else is knew, Captain?

*    *    *

AFP says ‘renegade’ MNLF group defanged – Malaya

ARMED Forces chief Gen. Hermogenes Esperon Jr. needs to explain to us civilians . . . especially to a certain senator who comes from showbiz . . . exactly how this ‘defanging’ was accomplished when it was also disclosed that government troops are still in hot pursuit operations against the group of MNLF leader Habier Malik.

*    *    *

Areas assigned to poll officials – Manila Bulletin

Five commissioners have been assigned areas or regions to supervise before, during and after the elections “to ensure fast and accurate decisions” . . . hopefully not including the ‘Hello Garci’ kind.

*    *    *

Gringo not replacing weakest link in TU – Manila Times

So Chavit Singson, Vic Magsaysay, Cesar Montano and Jamalum Kiram are still the top contenders for 'bottomnotcher'

*    *    *

Bulacan congresswoman faces
graft raps over fertilizer scam – ABS-CBN News

Bulacan Rep. Reylina Nicolas obviously got it the other way around on the 40% 'going rate' for kickbacks.

She's being charged with pocketing P3 million in congressional funds . . . in return for 'spending' P5 million on fertilizers.

*    *    *

Omar Cruz quits as national treasurer – ABS-CBN News

He is quitting “for family reasons”, according to a Department of Finance spokesperson . . . which is another way of saying “for health reasons”. Neither usually applies when what the official really wants to say is, “I've had it up to here!”

*    *    *

Military to act as poll watchdog – ABS-CBN News

Which is rather alarming when one recalls how Gen. Esperon was rewarded with a promotion from 2 stars to 4 stars and named the military's current 'big dog'.

Tall tale, tall order

Just as soon as the official campaign period for this year's elections kicked off less than 3 months ago, Prospero Pichay and a number of other senatorial candidates running on the administration's Team Unity (TU) ticket predicted that they would beat their Genuine Opposition (GO) opponents handily. The final tally, some of them confidently predicted, would be 12-0. Which was . . . and still is . . . hard to believe in light of all available polling data from SWS, Ibon and other survey organizations then and now. Not to mention simple common sense.

But Pichay, et. al., took great pains to explain that only the administration has the machinery to deliver on such a fearless forecast.

With less than a month before election day, it has become quite clear what their definition of 'machinery' means exactly. And it's no longer just simple vote buying and organized cheating.

One of the first clues surfaced recently when TU senatorial bet Chavit Singson reportedly gathered Barangay chairs in Metro Manila at the Manila Yacht Club where he announced that if he turns up in the top 6 in any Barangay, its chair would receive a P50,000 'bonus'. If you think that borders on vote-buying or making monetary donations . . . which is also illegal . . . Justice Sec Raul Gonzales apparently disagrees. Si Raul, the man who is most expected to uphold our laws, announced over the weekend that he will hand over a P10,000 cash 'reward'  to each Barangay chair who effects a 12-0 outcome for TU. The offer is good only throughout Iloilo, his home province, but the potential total sum is still big bucks.

With 'performance-based incentives' like these, we shouldn't be surprised if even Mike Defensor does not come up short . . . despite his dismal polling numbers . . . and ends up firmly among the top 12.



Exit interview*

Long after her term ended, a former president died of natural causes and knocked on the Pearly Gates. "Who is it?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Gloria"

"Before I can let you in, let's talk about terrible things that you did on earth."

Gloria thought a bit and answered, "Well, I went back on my word not to run in 2004 but I don't want to call it lying. During the campaign period for that presidential election, I instructed a certain Garcillano to manipulate the results in Mindanao in order to assure me of victory but I don't want to call it cheating. And about that 'secret bank account' in Germany that Alan Cayetano was talking about, can we forget about it?

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's what I'll do. I'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but I won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but I won't call it 'eternity.' And about waiting 'until Hell freezes over', forget about it.

*A heads&tales AnecJoke(tm)   Other AnecJokes are here

Please direct your comments or feedback to: newswealth@usa.com

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

No-impeach pitch

Pastors struggle to believe Oreta’s
transformation – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Nope, the reverends don't expect Ninoy’s sis to be a better 'dancer'.

*    *    *

Cheaper, LPG-run jeepneys out by 2008 – Malaya

What wonderful news! And potentially a win-win-win-win situation. As everyone knows, LPG-fueled engines are smokeless and toxic emissions-free. The brand-new jeepneys will be lighter and therefore cheaper to run. At today’s fuel prices, LPG costs only P21/liter versus P32/liter for diesel . . . which could drop pamasahe by at least P1.

*    *    *

8 senatorial bets get militant partylist
groups’ nod – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Even before this endorsement, all eight candidates were already seen as sure winners . . . which is also how the Iglesia ni Cristo and El Shaddai seem to pick those who are listed on their ‘official’ sample ballots that are finalized very close to election day.

*    *    *

“Gag me, no Iloilo rally for TEAM Unity”,
Gonzalez warns – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Which proves that si Raul is no TEAM player.

*    *    *

GMA to AFP, PNP: Stop violence – Philippine Star

Does anybody know why it looks like police and military brass must wait for orders from GMA to do something about the spate of election-related killings? Or are Press Sec Bunye and his drumbeaters just trying to look busy . . . doing nothing?

*    *    *

BF Homes residents to Aguirre family:
Give way to Maynilad – Philippine Star

The Aguirre family developed BF Homes. But they’re all wet for standing in the way of Maynilad’s offer to serve the BF residents . . . most of whom have had to draw potable water with their own deep-well pumps for the past 2 decades.

*    *    *

All hearsay in NAIA ‘escort job’ case – Philippine Star

But of course! Did anybody really expect PNP investigators to round up any witnesses that would incriminate their fellow cops?

*    *    *

Non-salary benefits to be unveiled
by Arroyo – Manila Standard Today

That’s probably why Metro Manila was again on high alert yesterday . . . bracing for one of those ‘Show me the money!’ rallies on Labor Day.

*    *    *

DoJ chief wants Ping jailed in US for spy plot – Malaya

It would be interesting how seriously the US government would take Raul Gonzalez’s rather delayed allegations, seeing as how the DoJ chief is clearly just trying to get back at Sen. Ping . . . for charging that Gonzalez is now in the wholesale vote-buying business.

*    *    *

FG out of hospital, told to relax told to relax – Malaya

Welcome news . . . especially to Kampi’s local candidates who reportedly complained that campaign funds dried up while the FG was hospitalized.

*    *    *

Solons: Find Jonas Burgos; AFP: We don’t have him – Malaya

Well, can our solons at least persuade the AFP to release the complete list of those that they ‘have’?

*    *    *

Labor rejects Arroyo’s gift – Philippine Daily Inquirer

That usually happens when the present turns out to be an empty box.

No-impeach pitch

A short while back, former Sen. Ernie Maceda . . . a major opposition figure . . . gave Pres. Arroyo some unsolicited advice.

From what I can recall, Manong Ernie said, “If I were you, I would focus on your congressional candidates.” He was clearly pointing out to GMA that it was disingenuous for the administration to try for a 12-0 sweep of the senatorial contest because all recent surveys have shown that no more than 4 or 5 TEAM Unity bets . . .in a best case scenario . . . would likely make it to the Magic 12.

But GMA must have taken Manong Ernie’s pitch seriously . . . and it’s difficult to guess if the venerable pol had considered an unintended ‘side effect’ of his tip . . . because it now appears to be the consensus that the administration’s Kampi and Lakas candidates are expected to win more than two-thirds of the seats in the Lower House.

This consensus is reportedly shared by Horacio ‘Boy’ Morales and other GO strategists, who now realize that mounting another impeachment bid against GMA would hardly be doable in the new Congress.

Music to his heirs*

One sunny day in the early part of 2011, an old man and two teenagers approached the Palace from across Mendiola Bridge and . . . showing his ID to a PSG at the checkpoint . . . said, "We would like to go in and talk to President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo."

The PSG replied, "Sir, Mrs. Arroyo is no longer President and does not live here anymore."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away with his companions . . . back across Mendiola Bridge towards C. M. Recto.

The following day, it was raining and the same man . . . accompanied by two other teenagers . . . stopped by the same checkpoint and said to the same PSG, "We would like to go in and meet with First Gentleman Mike Arroyo".

The PSG remembered the old man but was courteous enough to tell him, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Arroyo is no longer President so Atty. Mike Arroyo does not hold office here any more."

The old man thanked him again and walked away with the teenagers.

The third day, it was raining even harder but the same old man . . . with two other teen-aged companions . . . stopped at the same checkpoint and spoke again to the very same PSG, saying "We would like to go in and meet with President Gloria and First Gentleman Mike"

The PSG . . . understandably irritated at this point . . . looked at the old man and said, "Sir, do you realize that for the past two days you have been here asking to see either Gloria Arroyo or Mike Arroyo? Do you not understand that they are no longer in power? Do you not understand that they do not live in the Palace anymore?”

The old man smiled and answered, "Oh, I understand you very well. I just like hearing your answer . . . and I wanted all my grandchildren to know that they can now look forward to a better future."

The PSG snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Sir, see you tomorrow!"

*A heads&tales AnecJoke(tm)  More AnecJokes are here

Friday, May 11, 2007

Junked bonds

Korean woman claims marriage, child
with Pampanga gov – Philippine Daily Inquirer

All of a sudden, it has become a three-cornered gubernatorial contest between a Father, a mother and a father. . . more or less.

*    *    *

Mother Lily: Lito miscast as
Makati mayor – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Mother Lily should have warned us earlier that news videos of Lapid as senator would need English sub-titles!

*    *    *

DoTC told to explain $329-m deal – Manila Standard Today

Who’s the DoTC official who’s trying to take the public for a ride?

*    *    *

Diesel prices to stay despite
biofuel blend – Manila Standard Today

But of course. Blending just 1 percent biodiesel with regular diesel is hardly a reason to raise the price, even though biodiesel is slightly more expensive to make.

*    *    *

GMA turns tail, retreats – Daily Tribune

Whoever talked GMA into suspending Mayor Binay very close to election day should undergo a lobotomy.

*    *    *

Doctors advise Mike Arroyo: See
no evil, hear no evil – Philippine Daily Inquirer

In short, be deaf and blind . . . as far as Ping Lacson and Alan Peter Cayetano are concerned.

*    *    *

Gutierrez: No Palace hand in Binay case – Manila Times

Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez should really have that lobotomy . . . if she wants to say that her conscience is ‘clear’.

*    *    *

Retired generals warn of
plot to hijack 14M votes – Malaya

Can the old soldiers reign in one of their former junior officers . . . now Armed Forces chief Gen. Hermogenes Esperon Jr. . . . who has reportedly set ‘Oplan Mercury Rising’ in motion?

*    *    *

Recto to Palace: Keep hands off Makati fight – Malaya

Mr. Vilma Santos’ is clearly trying not lose support in vote-rich Makati, which can safely now be expected to heavily favor Mayor Binay’s GO senatoriables.

*    *    *

DENR: Burgos kidnap vehicle is with Army – Malaya

It now looks like the military should stop the song and dance and start telling the public about the whereabouts of the late Joe Burgos’ son.

*    *    *

Only 1 forest guard for every 4,000 ha – Philippine Daily Inquirer

The ratio looks laughable, but the DENR should take a serious look at using small unmanned aircraft . . . similar to the type used by the US military in Afghanistan and Iraq . . . to take photos of the forest cover in critical areas and compare the shots taken at regular intervals.

Junked bonds

As the saying goes, “There are no friends in politics . . . only temporary allies.”

In the run-up to the elections on Monday, this is once again proving to be true as some senatorial bets on both the Genuine Opposition and TEAM Unity tickets have reportedly set aside whatever bonds of unity they had started with and have supposedly junked some of their partymates. Aside from previous reports of GO guest candidate Manny Villar dropping a number of his running mates in favor of his Wednesday Group buddies on the TU side, there’s talk that some of Loren Legarda’s sample ballots up north do not include the names of Ping Lacson and Manny Villar.

And who are the latest ‘junkers’ and ‘junkees’? Mike Defensor has reportedly dropped Chavit Singson in favor of Gringo Honasan . . . which has triggered a tit-for-tat reaction from Singson; Ping Lacson supporting Kapatiran party candidate Zosimo Paredes and independent Gringo Honasan . . . his PMA Class 1971 ‘mistahs’; Alan Peter Cayetano plugging independent Kiko Pangilinan and Ang Kapatiran bets Martin Bautista, Zosimo Paredes and Adrian Sison.

Loren’s move . . . if at all true . . . makes the best sense: This early, she may have started the process of eliminating her strongest possible opponents for the 2010 presidential contest.

Piss be with you*

A man walked into an insurance agency in Marikina and applied for a job.

"Sorry, we have no vacancy," the manager told him.

"You cannot afford not to hire me. I can sell anybody anything any time.", the man boasted.

"Well, we have two prospects that nobody in this office has been able to convince. If you can insure just one of them, you will have a job here."

The applicant was gone for about two hours and when he returned he had two checks . . . one for a P1,000,000 policy and another for a P500,000 policy.

"You’re very good! How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked in disbelief.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman.”

"Did you get a urine sample from each of them?" the manager asked him.

What urine sample?" he asked.

"Well, when you sell at least a P500,000 policy, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get their urine samples."

He was gone for almost 5 hours but when he returned, he had 2 gallon-sized plastic bottles . . . one in each hand . . . that were full of what looked like urine. He set the big bottles down, reached in his shirt pocket, produced 2 smalls bottles of urine, set them on the manager’s desk and said, "Here's Mr. Alcantara's and this one is Mr. Bacalso's."

"OK," the boss said, "but what made you think we needed more than a small bottle from each of them?"

"Well, I passed by the high school on the way back and there was a teachers’ meeting so I sold them a group policy!"

*A heads&tales AnecJoke. Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

It’s all over but the shooting

Senate going to the dogs, Miriam sniffs - Manila Standard Today

As a point of fact, the Senate already has lap dogs that are fiercely loyal . . . rightly or wrongly . . . to the Palace and it takes one to sniff out the others.

*    *    *

Team Unity says worst-case scenario is 8-3-1 - Philippine Daily Inquirer

The TU spokesman is either hallucinating or has admitted that GO can no longer be stopped. 

*    *    *

ABS-CBN profit more than doubles in Q1 - Philippine Star

Thanks to Butch Pitchay, Mike Defensor, Tito Sotto and Chavit Singson who bought tens of millions worth of political ads but stand to ‘profit’ if they can get into the Magic 12.

*    *    *

GMA fuming mad, makes many phone calls - Daily Tribune

None of those calls were presumably made to Garci . . . who himself has conceded defeat in his absurd quest to become a congressman from Bukidnon.

*    *    *

Comelec disqualifies KBL’s Joselito Cayetano - Philippine Daily Inquirer

Great! But why did it have to take the Comelec 6 pages to say that the fake ‘Peter’ Cayetano didn’t have the dough nor the donuts to wage a nationwide campaign?

*    *    *

Gov't spends millions on military helicopters - Philippine Star

DND boss Hermogenes Ebdane wanted to spend $100 milliion. . . a nice round figure that seems to have been plucked out of thin air . . . for the acquisition of second-hand choppers.

To her credit, GMA instructed Ebdane to buy brand-new units instead, perhaps fearing that the usual overpricing would be far too easy on so-called ‘reconditioned’ helicopters. Which still begs the question: Why not start with exactly how many and what type of choppers the AFP wants to buy and a corresponding proposed budget, instead of a $100 million . . . yes, that’s about P5 billion . . . round figure?

*    *    *

NBI nabs Comelec exec for extortion - Philippine Star

Comelec Region 7 supervisor Manuel Advincula is apparently no ‘Garci’. He was caught receiving a measly P50,000 from a congressional candidate.

*    *    *

Customs misses revenue target - Philippine Star

Which is not news, considering that it was an open secret at Customs that top officials there had been in ‘fund-raising mode’ in the past couple of months . . . for the election war chest of the powers that be.

*    *    *

Prefab TU ERs stashed in 396 ballot boxes bared - Daily Tribune

Here’s an idea for a new reality TV show: ERs . . . After and Before

*    *    *

Good weather, no blackout on May 14 - ABS CBN News

If the authorities can guarantee no blackouts on election day, one begins to wonder if those power outages in the past . . . just when the ballots where being tallied . . . were really ‘accidental’.

*    *    *

ERs in hands of poll cheats exposed - Daily Tribune

Which would make it a breeze for so-called ‘operators’ to switch actual election returns with pre-fabricated ones . . . accent on ‘fabricated’.

*    *    *

Malacaņang’s kill-Trillanes plot uncovered - Daily Tribune

There was supposedly ‘Oplan Alan’ . . . named after Trillanes’ deceased son . . . that was to target the GO senatorial candidate for assassination when he went to Caloocan to cast his vote but this sounds like the handiwork of a sharp publicist to draw last-minute attention to the detained officer’s candidacy.

*    *    *

Cayetano seeks separate vote count;
Comelec scored for confusion - Daily Tribune

The Comelec has a lot to explain why its en banc decision to declare Joselito ‘Pepito’ Cayetano a nuisance candidate was only handed down Thursday night . . . which maintained the status quo that all votes for ‘Cayetano’ be declared as stray ballots.

*    *    *

Darlene ready to KO Pacman as GenSan lead widens - Daily Tribune

That would be one less legislator who . . . like Sen. Lito Lapid . . . would have needed an interpreter to participate in proceedings.

It’s all over but the shooting

It’s two days after Elections 2007 and we should have a fairly good idea in the next few days as to who won and . . . since no candidate ever accepts defeat gracefully in Philippine elections . . . who were ‘cheated’.

Expect some ‘miracles’ when the final tally comes in. A ‘religious’ figure who must fancy himself as the country’s foremost political kingmaker will figure prominently in some noteworthy surprises. This charlatan . . . in his usual segurista style . . . usually picks the frontrunners a week before election day for the sample ballot that goes out for distribution to his claimed millions of followers all over the country. What is curious about his senatorial ‘endorsements’ this time, however, is his inclusion of two candidates that are quite unlikely to make it to the Magic 12 . . . judging from their poor standings in the most recent pre-election surveys . . . without the post-election intervention of Comelec ‘operators’. Which leads one not to rule out the possibility that our ‘Bro.’ was ‘persuaded’ by the duo to endorse them in order to ‘pre-sanitize’ the dirty tricks that would have to be employed in order for them to win seats in the Senate. After all, these big spenders can always point to their inclusion in the ‘Anointed 12’ as the clincher in their individual ‘wins’.

In the meantime, ongoing election-related violence has led one foreign observer to say, “This is worse than Afghanistan”.

Next week: Read all about how one party-list group will sail to victory . . . but has dumped its greedy shipowner overboard!

Alcohol-free*

When Erap was still president, he invited a visiting British preacher to accompany him on a trip to Cebu. After the plane was airborne, a flight attendant came around for drink orders.

President Erap asked for a whiskey & soda, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the preacher if he, too, would like a drink.

The preacher replied in disgust, "Madam, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips!"

Hearing that, President Erap quickly handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I did not know there was a choice. Can I have what he's having?"

*A heads&tales AnecJoke. More AnecJokes are here.

Wednesday, May 23 2007

The winning loser

Priest pulls upset in Pampanga - Malaya

Certainly the most upset is ex-’sure winner’ Lilia Pineda . . . wife of reported ‘jueteng icon’ Bong Pineda . . . who must have spent tons of cash on her gubernatorial campaign.

But the smarter Pampangos decided to bet on Fr. Ed Panlilio anyway.

*    *    *

Namfrel: “We mistook La Union for
Maguindanao” - Philippine Daily Inquirer

Namfrel is now headed by a man named Go . . . which is why he should be careful not to look like he’s working for TU.

*    *    *

Duterte retains control of
Davao City - Philippine Daily Inquirer

Re-elected Mayor Rodrigo Duterte will serve a fresh 3-year term with a new Vice Mayor. His daughter Sarah, in her very first venture into politics, bested Jeff Ho, the only other candidate for Vice Mayor. 

Jeff who?

*    *    *

Chiz, Alan almost lose 100T Zambales votes - Malaya

These are clearly brazen attempts at ‘dagdag-bawas’ . . . despite Charman Abalos’ spin that ‘manifest errors’ can happen.

*    *    *

Binay Wins Mayoralty Race
despite Political Harassment - Bulatlat

Mayor Jojo actually won due to political harassment.

*    *    *

Palace to Bro. Mike: Thanks but
no thanks - Philippine Daily Inquirer

If the Palace does not feel obligated to listen to Mr. Velarde’s advice for GMA to forget about charter change, it can only be due to his half-hearted endorsement of TU’s senatorial ticket.